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We don't hit. Maybe it's better that I didn't have a sister. With all these new emotions to get under control kids sometimes feel they are being ignored.


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Sibling fights are the most common issue and the most silliest fights in a family. It may be the girl or the boy, who is elder, fighting with younger sibling over a piece of cake or a bicycle ride. Some fight for the sake of things not being distributed equally or some due to more pamper to the other. It may not be serious issue in some families, but in some, they create havoc at home.

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I worry that my older child will get into the habit of losing out all the time

Sibling rows and disputes are among the most common childhood problems that parents worry about. Photograph: iStock. Handled well, their differences could be a source of connection between them as they grew up together. I have two girls who were born within only 14 months apart. They are now five and six years old. The trouble is that there can be lots rows and fights between them.

The youngest one in particular tends to dominate the older one. She has a fiery personality and tends to get her own way, whereas her elder sister is quieter and more reserved. They will be having a row about a toy or something and the eldest girl gives up and lets her sister get away with it — she goes off and sulks and the youngest gets the toy or wins what they were fighting about.

I worry for my older girl, that she is not assertive and that she is going to get into a habit of losing out all the time.

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I often get involved and insist they share sometimes, but this only works to a degree. When I watch them by themselves it seems to be that the younger is always winning.

Why do brothers and sisters fight so much

What would you advise? As in your case, many parents worry about an imbalance of power getting established, with one child being lower down in the pecking order and always losing out. While usually it is the older child who is the most dominant, occasionally it is the younger child who is the most assertive. While the temptation as a parent is to jump in to defend the child who we feel is being picked on, you have to be careful about continually doing this. In my experience, taking the side of one child in a dispute can be problematic as a parent.

Usually this le to the other child feeling unfairly treated and that you favour the child you are defending. As a result, the goal in sibling rivalry and disputes is to help them sort out their problems themselves.

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For example, if your older daughter backs off and lets her sister win, your first response might be to check in with how she is feeling about what just happened. And if she wants this you can go back to her sister and guide the two of them in problem solving. You can praise them for all their good suggestions such as taking turns, sharing the doll and playing together, getting something else for one of them to play with, etc. Sometimes, they are upset to problem solve and then you might encourage them to share their feelings and to listen to each other. Problem solving can take a lot of time and require repeated attempts, but it always le to more enduring solutions that the children take responsibility for.

The younger girl has the strength of being assertive and knows how to fight her Sisters dominating brothers, she just needs to learn the social skills of listening to others and accommodating their needs as well as her own. Dr John Sharry is a social worker and psychotherapist and co-developer of the Parents Plus Programmes. His new book Bringing up happy confident children is now available.

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Please update your payment details to keep enjoying your Irish Times subscription. My daughter dominates her older sister I worry that my older child will get into the habit of losing out all the time Tue, Jul 4, John Sharry. Topics: John Sharry. Ideal Home Show celebrates interest in home interiors and upgrades.

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